Preface
I would like to begin by saying that I completely apologize for not getting in touch with anybody since Monday and moreso for leaving the vague and openly-interpreted one word message as my Facebook status. After two to three days of inactivity, I can barely imagine the emotional rollercoaster that everyone has been through. It was never my intention to leave so many people in the dark. From the outset, I just wanted to go to the hospital and go into more detail after I got out in the next day or so. However, my cell phone was immediately confiscated as per hospital policy and the only phone I could use was local numbers only and there is not Facebook on the Funny Farm. Rest assured, I will be contacting everybody over the next week to catch everyone up. I also realize there will be a lot of yelling and raw emotion during this time. It's what I need and I more than welcome it.
Second, I am okay. At least for now, as is the trend of my life. As hellish as this week has been for all of you, it has been pretty scary for me. I thought I would never be able to contact anybody. The people that end up in institutions...the ones that really need it are just what you'd expect. Disturbed souls that long for a quick end to their simple chemical suffering. They have absolutely no semblance of or capacity to understanding reality and when they fall off the deep end...your choices are limited. Do you become that guy that fought the schizoid? Every day, I cried for some sense of normalcy, for someone to slip through the cracks. I clamored for my liberation from the mental institution as well as my own mental prison.
Finally, I would like to say that now is the time that I need friends and familly the most. In the past, reaching out to friends has been...difficult at best. I really hate to rely on the kindness of other people, because I have a tendency to overstay my welcome or to overuse their resources. Also, I typically wait until it is too late to help me. This is the make or break time for a lot of friendships, which already have more burden than most friendships can or should handle. As a result of my inexcusable and unjustifiable actions, I have already lost one really good contact. I cannot afford to burn anymore bridges and I more than appreciate the people who are still able to talk to me on a consistent in the aftermath.
Background For To Benefit Your Understanding
To fully explain the situation, I have to go back to last year, when I found myself in Pittsburgh, which itself requires explaining. At the end of April 2009, I found myself nearly homeless (for the second time at that). My friend was getting married and offered me a place to stay for the month before he got married. A month turned into four months and I moved in with another family I knew from Boy Scouts. I lasted four months with them before I started feeling really awkward about the whole situation and went back to North Carolina to move back in with my dad. That lasted about six weeks and I was sent to live in Iowa with my aunt. We had fun for three months, but she needed her own space, so I decided to see how long I would last in Vegas. After two days, I caught a bus to Raleigh to give myself time to make my next move.
Remembering an offer I had from another friend, I gave him a call to see if it still stood, safely assuming it did. I found myself in Steel City, fulfilling a childhood dream of living with my best friend and playing video games all day. I quickly found the first joe job that came my way and then quit when I found a better joe job. The years of environmental instability and dissatisfying jobs had been taking their toll for a while. I thought I would never be able to have one iota of happiness again.
And along came a girl.
I originally met her at my best friend's wedding. Technically I met her the first night upon my triumphant return to Maryland which was going to lead to my best friend's wedding. There were a lot of us that first night playing Pictionary. We laughed and hugged. She said we should be soul mates. I would see her again at the wedding, we would dance in Towson, and our final visit that year occurred at my hands when I hatched a plan to get everyone together, including her for some pre-Thanksgiving pizza.
We would sporadically leave messages for each other on Facebook, but nothing that could evolve into anything, since she was a college student and I was a nomad. Something very magical happened Christmas of 2010. We found each other on Facebook Chat and started talking every night. This blossomed into a relationship and I was the happiest I had been in a long time.
All of a sudden, the suffering made sense and I was ready to tackle life with a renewed spirit.
So what the hell happened?
This is the part that's confusing to a lot of people, including myself. I was working at a new job in an office building, I was working out everyday. Underneath the visage, however, I was tormented by thoughts of worthlessness and shame and the unrelenting opinion that my girlfriend would cheat on me on her upcoming cruise. My roommate was out of work and consistently borrowing money from me and even though it was a better job, I was more and more miserable due to the sedentary lifestyle.
The long distance began to take its toll on my new found love and I felt like I was basically throwing money away every day I came home and found my roommate doing nothing but playing video games. Weekends that weren't with my girlfriend became a dull experience. There's not much to do in Pittsburgh and when you don't have a car, it severely limits your options. There was a big disparity in the things that I wanted to do and what my new found Pittsburgh peeps wanted. I always have a desire, a need to be creative and active on the weekends and those opportunities left me a long time ago, back in Raleigh. The lack of a creative outlet was bound to manifest itself in negative ways.
My girlfriend and I broke up. My roommate continued to sustain himself on video games and Cherry Diet Dr. Pepper. My home life started to seep into my work life. My lack of an artistic outlet started festering emotions that I was not at all prepared to handle. All of a sudden, things weren't so happy anymore. The two people I had come to confide in the most I found myself unable to rely on. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I continued on in the hope that things would get better. They didn't. My plans were simple. One particularly lonesome Thursday night where nobody talked to me or called me, I once more decided to flirt with Death.
Two days later, I went to the local psych ward whereupon I complained I had chest pains and crazy. They sent me to the ER and to an institution where I couldn't contact anybody. It was perhaps one of the scariest times of my life, even more scary than being homeless. If you have the means, I highly recommend avoiding it.
The Girl(s)
I want to say that this was not about my most recent paramour. I want to say that. I would be lying to you, slightly. In the short time that I have been dating girls, I have come to find that ladies come and go all the time and it is of the utmost importance not to get hung up on any particular one. What we had was brief, but special and lasted far longer than it should have for two people who are afraid of commitment, require constant physical attention and are known for self-sabotage. What killed us in the end were two false moves that neither of us expected from the other. We very maturely kept in touch after the relationship, but after a while, everytime I talked to her, it became a maddening cycle where she would talk to me and I would immediately have a flood gate of memories open up about what I had lost and why I had lost it and the lingering feeling that I would never have it again. And yet...I still love her. Sad. I mean, I'll move on eventually. I'm just in the fifteen minute period where I'm inconsolable.
My second girlfriend was the projectionist, transference, lightning rod of hate for my first ex. Everything I hated about myself and everything hated about the first girlfriend passed right onto her. I treated her miserably. I vowed never to disrespect women ever again (which didn't pan out in the third relationship, but whatever). In spite of all of my anger and hatred and loathing, my longest relationship was with her. And this girl was crazy about me. She probably loved me the most out of all of my girlfriends. She was a photographer who didn't like her picture taken and she had really awesome parents. I'm not sure how they felt about me, but they always fed me and gave me exorbitant amounts of milk to drink, so I must have done something right. Had my life not been in such a dark spot, we probably would have lasted a lot longer. Had my life not been in such a dark spot, we may have never met.
And finally, my first girlfriend. I met her in our chorus class. She had done some improv in high school and when she found time away from theatre, I was able to get involved in North Carolina State's improv scene. Our relationship started after a deep revealing talk over AIM (when people still used AIM) and we became really close really fast. She became a pivotal part of my life when I took a semester off to pursue a fledgling business opportunity that didn't pan out. I had fun. We lived in her dorm together, which was great, since her roommate was constantly seeing her own boyfriend. It got hard over the summer when she moved back with her folks. I made it work, because I knew I could. It wasn't to last though as we broke up when I finally came clean about the failed business that has cost me my financial future. However, I came clean about it to her father instead of her. This led to accusations that I wanted money from her family and that I was never going to amount to anything. It was a terrible way to end, especially considering school was about to start back up.
On Creativity
The loss of my first girlfriend hit hard in two ways. She was my first love and therefore, she seemed to be my only love. I thoroughly convinced myself of this when I ran the numbers and the reason why I'm single for so long in between relationships is probably because I run the numbers. The second blow was a result of our mutual love for the college improv comedy club in which we had become quite involved. We tried to get along and stay out of each other's way, but I being the immature, manipulative person I was back then, did everything I could to poke subtle jabs as recompense for our break-up.
So I lost my college improv club, no big deal, right? I mean, I still had the local stand-up and improv clubs as well as my love of singing. Eventually my piss poor, woe-is-me pity party led to a mental breakdown and my first attempt at my life. When I came to, I found myself homeless and alone. My friends did all they could to help me, but somehow it just wasn't enough.
So what? Anyone can sing anywhere, right? You could practice in the shower. You still havethat going for you. You'd think that. However, one of my fatal flaws is that I have to do things perfectly otherwise I won't do them at all. And that's why I don't sing anymore.
The only thing I have going for me is my allegedly powerful writing style. The only thing that keeps me from writing knowing that anyone at any time can steal your material and that I'm not making any money. Incentives can be very powerful in our free market economy.
College Material
Ever since my expulsion from North Carolina State University, people have urged me to get back in and finish my education. My friends and family have said this to me as if I've forgotten how to make good decisions and as if their words would somehow magically fix all the problems that are keeping me from going back to school.
I am currently unable to attend school for two reasons. One: the school has a hold on my records until I pay them back for a semester that didn't happend. And two: the school has a hold on my records until I get a psychiatric evaluation saying that I have my emotions under control and I will no longer try to shuffle myself loose the mortal coil. It's extremely difficult to pay back copious amounts of cash to a college when you need college to get a job to earn copious amounts of cash. It is even more difficult to get mental help when you don't have insurance.
For four years I have been trying to get my life back together to no avail. Something external always happens to destroy whatever little progress I've been able to muster, which I don't respond to well at all. When your life is shattered like an eggshell, it's very hard to repair. It's not impossible, but very improbable. And I'm at my wits end trying to figure out how to do it alone.
Aftermath
I'm now essentially in the same place I was four years ago, when similar events led to similar outcomes. Once again, I'm at a crossroads unsure of what my next move will be or where I'll even end up. I know where I want to be. I want to be in North Carolina, soaking up southern sun rays, sipping on Cheerwine and making midnight runs to Cookout. I want to be entertaining the masses, helping people escape their problems by talking about my own. And I want to make the ladies swoon with the sweet sound of my sultry voice.
I don't know how to move on with my life. There needs to be some underlying current of stability. Some days, I feel my life would be best solved via the vehicles of reality tv and/or daytime television ala Dr. Phil and/or whoever replaces Oprah. Things will get better. They have to. I'll work for them. If it's one thing my friends, familes, and girlfriends can attest to, it's that I'm a hard worker. And life goes on.
