"The Terrible Harry Potter Parody of I Wrote for Melissa and Other Enthusiasts of Harry Potter" by Jimmy Murray (to "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies)

It's just one week until we see Harry
and his bff's Ron and Hermione
Five days since you laughed at me saying
"Let's go to Hagrid's and see his pet Buckbeak"
Three days since the Sorting Hat
I think I saw my teacher change from a tabby cat
Yesterday all I did was brood
And I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good.

Fill the stands and watch some Quidditch
As I catch the gold snitch
I put my money down on Viktor Krum
Near Headless Nick can be a prick, although I like the Basilisk
that giant snake
'cause I speak a bit of Parseltongue
Hot like a Goblet when I cast spells
Oh look, some house elves
Dobby died and I'm sad cause that sucks.
But Neville LongB has got some mad moves
And always comes through
Nagini's dead and Voldy's down a Horcrux
Gonna need some gillyweed
Cause Diggory has got some speed
I like Ginny, she's the finest of the Weasleys
Hufflepuff is kinda tough
Fifty points is really rough
When you lose it,
Cause some troll just went crazy

How can I help it if I think you're Goyle when you're Ron
I hope Snape doesn't see the potions are all gone
I'm the kind of guy who writes in a diary
Can't solve this Riddle?
My name is Tommy
I have a tendency to back up time through my sleeve
I have a history of picking at my scar

My Mind is a House of Cards (tl;dr version)

Things were sucky for a long time. Things got better for a short time. Things got bad again when I lost my girlfriend, my job, and the trust of my best friend. I flirted with death and ended up in an institution for a week without anyone knowing where I was.

And now I'm unsure of what to do. I know what I want and I've convinced myself that I can't get it. And I wish I could talk about my problems on TV.

My Mind is a House of Cards

Preface

I would like to begin by saying that I completely apologize for not getting in touch with anybody since Monday and moreso for leaving the vague and openly-interpreted one word message as my Facebook status. After two to three days of inactivity, I can barely imagine the emotional rollercoaster that everyone has been through. It was never my intention to leave so many people in the dark. From the outset, I just wanted to go to the hospital and go into more detail after I got out in the next day or so. However, my cell phone was immediately confiscated as per hospital policy and the only phone I could use was local numbers only and there is not Facebook on the Funny Farm. Rest assured, I will be contacting everybody over the next week to catch everyone up. I also realize there will be a lot of yelling and raw emotion during this time. It's what I need and I more than welcome it.

Second, I am okay. At least for now, as is the trend of my life. As hellish as this week has been for all of you, it has been pretty scary for me. I thought I would never be able to contact anybody. The people that end up in institutions...the ones that really need it are just what you'd expect. Disturbed souls that long for a quick end to their simple chemical suffering. They have absolutely no semblance of or capacity to understanding reality and when they fall off the deep end...your choices are limited. Do you become that guy that fought the schizoid?  Every day, I cried for some sense of normalcy, for someone to slip through the cracks. I clamored for my liberation from the mental institution as well as my own mental prison. 

Finally, I would like to say that now is the time that I need friends and familly the most. In the past, reaching out to friends has been...difficult at best. I really hate to rely on the kindness of other people, because I have a tendency to overstay my welcome or to overuse their resources. Also, I typically wait until it is too late to help me. This is the make or break time for a lot of friendships, which already have more burden than most friendships can or should handle. As a result of my inexcusable and unjustifiable actions, I have already lost one really good contact. I cannot afford to burn anymore bridges and I more than appreciate the people who are still able to talk to me on a consistent in the aftermath. 

Background For To Benefit Your Understanding

To fully explain the situation, I have to go back to last year, when I found myself in Pittsburgh, which itself requires explaining. At the end of April 2009, I found myself nearly homeless (for the second time at that). My friend was getting married and offered me a place to stay for the month before he got married. A month turned into four months and I moved in with another family I knew from Boy Scouts. I lasted four months with them before I started feeling really awkward about the whole situation and went back to North Carolina to move back in with my dad. That lasted about six weeks and I was sent to live in Iowa with my aunt. We had fun for three months, but she needed her own space, so I decided to see how long I would last in Vegas. After two days, I caught a bus to Raleigh to give myself time to make my next move.

Remembering an offer I had from another friend, I gave him a call to see if it still stood, safely assuming it did. I found myself in Steel City, fulfilling a childhood dream of living with my best friend and playing video games all day. I quickly found the first joe job that came my way and then quit when I found a better joe job. The years of environmental instability and dissatisfying jobs had been taking their toll for a while. I thought I would never be able to have one iota of happiness again.

And along came a girl.

I originally met her at my best friend's wedding. Technically I met her the first night upon my triumphant return to Maryland which was going to lead to my best friend's wedding. There were a lot of us that first night playing Pictionary. We laughed and hugged. She said we should be soul mates. I would see her again at the wedding, we would dance in Towson, and our final visit that year occurred at my hands when I hatched a plan to get everyone together, including her for some pre-Thanksgiving pizza.

We would sporadically leave messages for each other on Facebook, but nothing that could evolve into anything, since she was a college student and I was a nomad. Something very magical happened Christmas of 2010. We found each other on Facebook Chat and started talking every night. This blossomed into a relationship and I was the happiest I had been in a long time. 

All of a sudden, the suffering made sense and I was ready to tackle life with a renewed spirit. 

So what the hell happened?

This is the part that's confusing to a lot of people, including myself. I was working at a new job in an office building, I was working out everyday. Underneath the visage, however, I was tormented by thoughts of worthlessness and shame and the unrelenting opinion that my girlfriend would cheat on me on her upcoming cruise. My roommate was out of work and consistently borrowing money from me and even though it was a better job, I was more and more miserable due to the sedentary lifestyle.

The long distance began to take its toll on my new found love and I felt like I was basically throwing money away every day I came home and found my roommate doing nothing but playing video games. Weekends that weren't with my girlfriend became a dull experience. There's not much to do in Pittsburgh and when you don't have a car, it severely limits your options. There was a big disparity in the things that I wanted to do and what my new found Pittsburgh peeps wanted. I always have a desire, a need to be creative and active on the weekends and those opportunities left me a long time ago, back in Raleigh. The lack of a creative outlet was bound to manifest itself in negative ways.

My girlfriend and I broke up. My roommate continued to sustain himself on video games and Cherry Diet Dr. Pepper. My home life started to seep into my work life. My lack of an artistic outlet started festering emotions that I was not at all prepared to handle. All of a sudden, things weren't so happy anymore. The two people I had come to confide in the most I found myself unable to rely on. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

I continued on in the hope that things would get better. They didn't. My plans were simple. One particularly lonesome Thursday night where nobody talked to me or called me, I once more decided to flirt with Death.

Two days later, I went to the local psych ward whereupon I complained I had chest pains and crazy. They sent me to the ER and to an institution where I couldn't contact anybody. It was perhaps one of the scariest times of my life, even more scary than being homeless. If you have the means, I highly recommend avoiding it.

The Girl(s)

I want to say that this was not about my most recent paramour. I want to say that. I would be lying to you, slightly. In the short time that I have been dating girls, I have come to find that ladies come and go all the time and it is of the utmost importance not to get hung up on any particular one. What we had was brief, but special and lasted far longer than it should have for two people who are afraid of commitment, require constant physical attention and are known for self-sabotage. What killed us in the end were two false moves that neither of us expected from the other. We very maturely kept in touch after the relationship, but after a while, everytime I talked to her, it became a maddening cycle where she would talk to me and I would immediately have a flood gate of memories open up about what I had lost and why I had lost it and the lingering feeling that I would never have it again. And yet...I still love her. Sad. I mean, I'll move on eventually. I'm just in the fifteen minute period where I'm inconsolable.

My second girlfriend was the projectionist, transference, lightning rod of hate for my first ex. Everything I hated about myself and everything hated about the first girlfriend passed right onto her. I treated her miserably. I vowed never to disrespect women ever again (which didn't pan out in the third relationship, but whatever). In spite of all of my anger and hatred and loathing, my longest relationship was with her. And this girl was crazy about me. She probably loved me the most out of all of my girlfriends. She was a photographer who didn't like her picture taken and she had really awesome parents. I'm not sure how they felt about me, but they always fed me and gave me exorbitant amounts of milk to drink, so I must have done something right. Had my life not been in such a dark spot, we probably would have lasted a lot longer. Had my life not been in such a dark spot, we may have never met.

And finally, my first girlfriend. I met her in our chorus class. She had done some improv in high school and when she found time away from theatre, I was able to get involved in North Carolina State's improv scene. Our relationship started after a deep revealing talk over AIM (when people still used AIM) and we became really close really fast. She became a pivotal part of my life when I took a semester off to pursue a fledgling business opportunity that didn't pan out. I had fun. We lived in her dorm together, which was great, since her roommate was constantly seeing her own boyfriend. It got hard over the summer when she moved back with her folks. I made it work, because I knew I could. It wasn't to last though as we broke up when I finally came clean about the failed business that has cost me my financial future. However, I came clean about it to her father instead of her. This led to accusations that I wanted money from her family and that I was never going to amount to anything. It was a terrible way to end, especially considering school was about to start back up.

On Creativity

The loss of my first girlfriend hit hard in two ways. She was my first love and therefore, she seemed to be my only love. I thoroughly convinced myself of this when I ran the numbers and the reason why I'm single for so long in between relationships is probably because I run the numbers. The second blow was a result of our mutual love for the college improv comedy club in which we had become quite involved. We tried to get along and stay out of each other's way, but I being the immature, manipulative person I was back then, did everything I could to poke subtle jabs as recompense for our break-up.

So I lost my college improv club, no big deal, right? I mean, I still had the local stand-up and improv clubs as well as my love of singing. Eventually my piss poor, woe-is-me pity party led to a mental breakdown and my first attempt at my life. When I came to, I found myself homeless and alone. My friends did all they could to help me, but somehow it just wasn't enough.

So what? Anyone can sing anywhere, right? You could practice in the shower. You still havethat going for you. You'd think that. However, one of my fatal flaws is that I have to do things perfectly otherwise I won't do them at all. And that's why I don't sing anymore. 

The only thing I have going for me is my allegedly powerful writing style. The only thing that keeps me from writing knowing that anyone at any time can steal your material and that I'm not making any money. Incentives can be very powerful in our free market economy.

College Material

Ever since my expulsion from North Carolina State University, people have urged me to get back in and finish my education. My friends and family have said this to me as if I've forgotten how to make good decisions and as if their words would somehow magically fix all the problems that are keeping me from going back to school.

I am currently unable to attend school for two reasons. One: the school has a hold on my records until I pay them back for a semester that didn't happend. And two: the school has a hold on my records until I get a psychiatric evaluation saying that I have my emotions under control and I will no longer try to shuffle myself loose the mortal coil. It's extremely difficult to pay back copious amounts of cash to a college when you need college to get a job to earn copious amounts of cash. It is even more difficult to get mental help when you don't have insurance.

For four years I have been trying to get my life back together to no avail. Something external always happens to destroy whatever little progress I've been able to muster, which I don't respond to well at all. When your life is shattered like an eggshell, it's very hard to repair. It's not impossible, but very improbable. And I'm at my wits end trying to figure out how to do it alone.

Aftermath

I'm now essentially in the same place I was four years ago, when similar events led to similar outcomes. Once again, I'm at a crossroads unsure of what my next move will be or where I'll even end up. I know where I want to be. I want to be in North Carolina, soaking up southern sun rays, sipping on Cheerwine and making midnight runs to Cookout. I want to be entertaining the masses, helping people escape their problems by talking about my own. And I want to make the ladies swoon with the sweet sound of my sultry voice.

I don't know how to move on with my life. There needs to be some underlying current of stability. Some days, I feel my life would be best solved via the vehicles of reality tv and/or daytime television ala Dr. Phil and/or whoever replaces Oprah. Things will get better. They have to. I'll work for them. If it's one thing my friends, familes, and girlfriends can attest to, it's that I'm a hard worker. And life goes on.

History might be made.

As a fan of DC area sports, I am well aware of and dismally jaded by the perpetual futility that the professional and college teams have offered in my lifetime. It is with a very paranoid heart that I congratulate the Washington Capitals in their Round 1 victory over the New York Rangers, in five games. This is huge, because historically no team has ever won the cup when besting a team in seven games, which has been the Caps MO within Boudreau's tenure, including last year's early exit after clinching the President's Trophy in late November.

The Golden Globe of hockey.

Washington looked spectacular tonight. They were a very poised, intense, and tenacious squad that played fairly mistake-free hockey. Ovechkin is approaching his true form, gaining an assist and (game-winning) goal. Mike Green showed his heroics, notching the first goal off the first power play, before sacrificing his temporal lobe. Semin is taking a break from taking a break in the post-season and scored one of the prettiest goals of this year's first round (notably his 3rd, in the 3rd period, with almost 3:33 left to go). Finally, for all but 30 seconds in this game, Michal Neuvirth finally became a real goalie , going 26 for 27.

Neuvirth also received a conscience, but it was crushed by Sean Avery

Overall, I'm impressed with how this series turned out. This year's regular season series left a lot to be desired with a 17-6 series goal differential. Neuvirth has the consistency and poise of Amy Winehouse, but he's hot now, so cool. And Gabby's coaching ability still worries me, but I guess the potential loss of your Ameritel endorsement is enough to light a fire under your butt. I still wish the hockey gods would have allowed the 8-seed to go to the Carolina Hurricanes, but, alas, this was not in the cards.

Gary Bettman discusses branding strategies.

I'm not sure how to feel about round two yet, since the Caps can face everybody that's not Boston or Philadelphia. My personal preference would be for the Caps to avoid facing Ryan Miller, having just faced the living brick wall (and future superhero in Stan Lee's NHL Guardians) that is Henrik Lundqvist.  This would make me a semi-Flyers fan pro tempore, which is as dirty as accepting a date from Snooki just to avoid getting your balls kicked by Jane Lynch.

Sophie's choice was easier.

Best of luck to you in the second round, Washington. On the downside, your golf game might take a hit. On the upside, thousands of fans won't kill you.

Notes: Johansson, Sturm, and Hannan each contributed an assist and the team's automechanic had two helpers.

Local Hockey Team Seeks Head Coach

We here at the Washington Capitals organization are willing to admit we have made mistakes. The abysmal adornment of black and gold, vouching for the sanity of Dale Hunter, letting Olaf Kolzig go ten years before his prime. These decisions made perfect sense at the time of their selection and furthered our twenty-year plan to have an exciting and winning team (in any sports) back in the nation's capital.

Now that our plans have finally come to fruition, we can safely say we have the most of the necessary ingredients to move forward: a core team of talented young superstars; an owner who shows great passion in a DC team making the playoffs; and a casual, if confused, fan base that is now aware of their hometown hockey team, which started along with the rest of the NHL in 2005.

We do not expect our search for a motivating, hard-working, and relentless coach to be easy, especially since we found out Herb Brooks died in 2003.

The ideal candidate will:
- Maintain consistent lines on a period-by-period basis, utilizing the "Wheel of Destiny" to pick positions
- Make solid trade decisions in the offseason, in NHL 11 and in real life
- Keep a kempt and well-groomed appearance for next season's 24/7
- Research sound statistics in selecting a starting playoff netminder, in addition to using our proprietary Magic 8-Ball
- Enjoy the benefits of our partnership with Haggen-Dazs within reason.

We greatly appreciate any and all inquiries! If you refer a General Manager, you get a million dollar bonus. Double bonus if his initials are GM. 

So I really suck at updating...

I'm either working or recovering from working, so in time I hope to have the money to dedicate myself to this full time, without worrying if I'm going to eat.  On the other hand, perhaps this is a sign that I don't really have anything to say.  On the other, other hand, maybe this is simply a slump I need to overcome.  In any case, I'm probably better off starting small and focusing on individual subjects.  We'll see.

-Me

It's a jumping off point...

The problem with seeing the same things everyday and interacting with the same people everyday and engaging in the same activities everyday is that there is nothing new to inspire and/or write about.  Football starts tomorrow; I'm on a fantasy team.  Also, I'm gathering up ideas for an analytic sports site, a comprehensive stats site that uses all of the available publicly known methodologies to predict the outcomes of all the games ever.  We'll see how that goes.
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There are a lot of hot chicks at work, but since this is Pittsburgh, they all have boyfriends that they've dated since high school and I'm not even ready for a relationship, which is something I've been meaning to write about, so I should probably do that some time.  It's worth its own post, so I'll do it Friday.
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My brother is in Boot Camp.  I sent him a card, but haven't heard back from him.  However, Parris Island is supposed to be rugged Hell, so I'm guessing I won't hear from him until October, which is when he graduates.  I'll go to Family Day and Graduation, should the opportunity arise, but I'm not going to actively pursue it, since I'm vastly low on funds and, more importantly, my biological family will be there.  The apprehension is mostly caused by my grandfather, whom I hate and with good reason.
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I really suck at NHL 11, so much so that my roommate will no longer play it with me, which is alarming and liberating all at the same time.  I won't really have any opportunities to get better at it, but I won't have to endure my friend's petty judgments and massive anger issues.  It's pretty awesome, actually.
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I hate my job.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I hate it.  I hate it.  /Molly Shannon parody.